I am very inspired by music. I have written one a long time ago, and unfortunately lost. I was listening to this song, and it brought back questions in my head. A few years ago I was a very devout Christians battling the life struggles like everyone else. If you don't know, I am gay. It's nothing I have chosen, it is just what it is! When I was younger I REFUSED to admit it, and just put on this show and denied it everyday. I would pray to God every single night, sometimes bringing me to tears asking him to "fix me." I grew up as a kid reading the Bible and it always says "Everything happens for a reason." So I just came to agree with it, and just accepted me for who I am. I have a few reasons that I thought I turned out to be gay, but I honestly think that had very little to do with it. During this time I started to lose faith in God, because I also read in the Bible and it says "Ask and you shall receive" and I was BEGGING to just be normal and wanting to be a better Christian more than anything in the world. I used to go to church EVERY weekend, would be jumping around in church, just electrified in church! Now? I sleep the day away, doubt my actions everyday and just generally not a 100% happy person. I miss the way it used to be. I was such a happy person, and was so close to my family. My family is full of devout Christians and church was the one thing that brought us all together. Maybe it was just laziness on my part, or idk what else it could be. It feels very good to get things like this off of my chest and it makes it easier for people to fully understand me and know what exactly I am going through ESPECIALLY my friends, and people I talk to everyday and go to advice for. But certain people may never know what I am going through because either they are excluded out of some MAJOR details in my life or they just never experience some things that I have. I'm 18, and have many things I wish I could just forget and I definitely know that's not going to happen. I have experienced things that most people won't in all of their life, and experiencing these things at a young age, is it permanently burned into your mind. I have been contemplating going back to church for a very long time. But the church that I enjoyed is conveniently at my school (I'm for real). I enjoyed it because it was more contemporary and I enjoyed it. But for a while now, some rumors at my school, although true, were started about me. I haven't really owned up to them because honestly, I don't people to know. I want them to be friends with me and not have my sexuality be the reason we aren't friends. Although, I have lost "friends" because of these rumors, oh well. But, because of these rumors being spread about me, I am afraid to even walk into places with people I go to school with. This church is FULL of people I know, and people that judge me on a constant basis. Some people would just say "Don't care what they say, and just ignore them". Easier said than done, because honestly, I don't have THAT many friends that I can actually call my friends. Which is the main reason I want to leave this town A.S.A.P! If you've experienced what it's like to go to a school where everyone looks down on you for not smoking, or doing drugs, or drinking, consider yourself lucky! I go through it on a DAILY basis. I DO NOT intend on changing who I am to conform, sorry! What I was trying to get out of this entire post was to really question myself and ask myself "Do I honestly care what they think?" and the answer to that question is "Yes!" I actually do, and if I didn't I would be a totally different person, and to my friends and family, and more importantly MYSELF I am perfect just the way I am! So, college is right around the corner and I hope things are so much different and I can actually live as "Matthew Brandon Montgomery" instead of someone the world in which I live wants me to be. I guess I have spilt enough on this paper, and should wrap it up. I am very grateful to the people who follow my blog, and enjoy reading comments left by my readers. I read EVERY comment that is posted, and love to get y'alls feedback. Thanks for reading :)
LOVE!
Matthew Montgomery
3.14.11
