I Will Rise....

I am very inspired by music.  I have written one a long time ago, and unfortunately lost. I was listening to this song, and it brought back questions in my head. A few years ago I was a very devout Christians battling the life struggles like everyone else.  If you don't know, I am gay. It's nothing I have chosen, it is just what it is! When I was younger I REFUSED to admit it, and just put on this show and denied it everyday.  I would pray to God every single night, sometimes bringing me to tears asking him to "fix me." I grew up as a kid reading the Bible and it always says "Everything happens for a reason." So I just came to agree with it, and just accepted me for who I am.  I have a few reasons that I thought I turned out to be gay, but I honestly think that had very little to do with it. During this time I started to lose faith in God, because I also read in the Bible and it says "Ask and you shall receive" and I was BEGGING to just be normal and wanting to be a better Christian more than anything in the world. I used to go to church EVERY weekend, would be jumping around in church, just electrified in church! Now? I sleep the day away, doubt my actions everyday and just generally not a 100% happy person. I miss the way it used to be.  I was such a happy person, and was so close to my family.  My family is full of devout Christians and church was the one thing that brought us all together.  Maybe it was just laziness on my part, or idk what else it could be. It feels very good to get things like this off of my chest and it makes it easier for people to fully understand me and know what exactly I am going through ESPECIALLY my friends, and people I talk to everyday and go to advice for.  But certain people may never know what I am going through because either they are excluded out of some MAJOR details in my life or they just never experience some things that I have. I'm 18, and have many things I wish I could just forget and I definitely know that's not going to happen. I have experienced things that most people won't in all of their life, and experiencing these things at a young age, is it permanently burned into your mind. I have been contemplating going back to church for a very long time.  But the church that I enjoyed is conveniently at my school (I'm for real). I enjoyed it because it was more contemporary and I enjoyed it. But for a while now, some rumors at my school, although true, were started about me. I haven't really owned up to them because honestly, I don't people to know. I want them to be friends with me and not have my sexuality be the reason we aren't friends. Although, I have lost "friends" because of these rumors, oh well. But, because of these rumors being spread about me, I am afraid to even walk into places with people I go to school with. This church is FULL of people I know, and people that judge me on a constant basis. Some people would just say "Don't care what they say, and just ignore them". Easier said than done, because honestly, I don't have THAT many friends that I can actually call my friends. Which is the main reason I want to leave this town A.S.A.P! If you've experienced what it's like to go to a school where everyone looks down on you for not smoking, or doing drugs, or drinking, consider yourself lucky! I go through it on a DAILY basis. I DO NOT intend on changing who I am to conform, sorry! What I was trying to get out of this entire post was to really question myself and ask myself "Do I honestly care what they think?" and the answer to that question is "Yes!" I actually do, and if I didn't I would be a totally different person, and to my friends and family, and more importantly MYSELF I am perfect just the way I am! So, college is right around the corner and I hope things are so much different and I can actually live as "Matthew Brandon Montgomery" instead of someone the world in which I live wants me to be. I guess I have spilt enough on this paper, and should wrap it up. I am very grateful to the people who follow my blog, and enjoy reading comments left by my readers. I read EVERY comment that is posted, and love to get y'alls feedback. Thanks for reading :)

LOVE!
Matthew Montgomery
3.14.11

I'm Still Alive!

So yea, its been a long time since I've last written, and even longer since I've actually posted something on my blog. Because of that I am sorry, and feel obligated to fill you guys in on everything going on in my life including life, school, love, family and everything including A-Z. Since I've last posted my life has been pretty good. A GIANT improvement, and there hasn't been too much to really complain about.  I can admit I have dropped the ball on the whole college thing. I had my horse blinders on to this one school and went balls to the wall and truly thought it was the best school for me. Come to find out, it really wasn't the best route for me and decided to not go. I got accepted and everything! The main reason I backed out was because I wouldn't graduate with a degree or anything, and god forbid I don't make it as an air traffic controller, then I have something to fall back on. Now, I am looking at Community College of Beaver County with a degree in Air Traffic Management with a focus on Terminal ATC. I really need to get back on course with all of this but it's rather difficult because I need $500 for the application fee and then the extra money to travel up to Pittsburgh.  Me and my parents intend to visit in late April during my Spring Break! So that's a little time away and I'm more than confident that I can save the money. But on a closer level, high school is going well. Well, minus the incredible amount of douchebags that go to my school. But, I get out of school at noon everyday so I can't really complain. I make pretty good grades because of it...2 A's and 1 B and my G.P.A. is boosting because of it.  Okay, before I start tooting my horn you have to understand the people at my school. They try to make life AS DIFFICULT AS POSSIBLE. I think they get a sexual high off of talking shit and making school suck even more than it does. I'm lucky that it normally doesn't get to me. I have done ALOT better this year than previous years keeping my anger in check. I'm not sure why but it doesn't get under my skin as much, but whatever happened (probably grew the fuck up) I'm very glad it happened! But, it may be due to the fact that in a few months I'll be done! Then I can move and choose who I have to see on a daily basis, and because I am SO ready to get out of drama filled high school...it will be AMAZING! What some people don't see is that when you grow up, you're supposed to mature. Sadly, not many of the kids I go to school with have learned this yet. For instance, this happened a few days ago which kind of made me laugh. This kid ATTEMPTED to make fun of me and point out my successes and label themselves (in my book) as failures! So...I got into a conversation with this hoodlum in my class that had the NERVE to tell me (oh wait, it gets good) that MY life sucked because I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I sure as hell don't do drugs. Oh yea, that's TOTAL suckage right there. I am not afraid what so ever to admit that I don't do drugs, or drink, or smoke! I've told MANY people that I don't do that, and if you don't like the fact that I don't oh fucking well. Turn your back and move on! *waves* But what I do find sad is the fact that if you don't fit in with people's criminalistic (is that a word?) behaviors then you get tossed out like the trash! I'm lucky that I grew up with a good family, good parents, and was taught good things. My parents ALWAYS tell me how blessed they are that I was a good kid and still am to this day.  I'd rather be different and be free then conform and be in jail. On a more creepy/funny/ew story that I'll NEVER forget this guy TOTALLY freaked me out.  First off his name was Mason, and he really liked me. Not anymore, haha. Well here goes the story.  He invited me over Wednesday (Feb 23) after school. Me, not having anything better to do I went. UGH! Longest drive ever!!! It was legit an hour drive away. So, I get there and since he wasn't supposed to have people over and his grandma was coming over he put me in his room and shut the door, and left.  Right then, I wanted to get up and leave! But since I'm nice and the drive was the longest I've done to see one person, I stayed.  So about 5 or so minutes later he comes back and lays down on his bed. Which by the way is about the size of an infants crib. But, at this time I'm just awkwardly sitting on the edge of the bed not talking but just sitting there. Why? Because his room was an atrocity. There were food plates, cups, soda cans, and his bed was so messy. Don't forget the Hollister and Abercrombie bags cut up with the guys bodies hanging on his walls. TACKY!  OMG, I'm just thinking of this but I should report him to HGTV's worst room in America. That'd be funny. I digress so much in this! ADD much? Back on track now...once he laid down on his bed he begged me to lay down with him and cuddle. For those of you that don't know what cuddle means in gay....be glad! By this time, he had asked me like 6730637 times to lay back, and I get annoyed very easily. So I REALLY just wanted him to SHUT UP so I laid back. UH! Bad move! He put his arm around me and I instantly felt grossed out.  He then put his leg over mine and then I felt REALLY trapped. I'm highly claustrophobic  and I literally almost freaked out.  Not including the fact that some guy I was meeting for the first time was trying to get into my pants. No hun, I'm a classy bitch! NOT happening! So I just left. He went out of the room, and you bet I seized that opportunity to get the fuck up out of there. He left, and I started putting my shoes on.  He came back right in the middle of me tying my shoes and I was like "fuck" inside my head of course (remember...classy bitch) and yea.  I almost forgot to tell y'all about my highly unbelievable excuse to leave.  Since I had to babysit my little cousins that I had to babysit that sit (he knew that I had to) I made up some excuse saying I had to pick them up from school.  I know for A FACT that he didn't believe it, and honestly didn't and still don't care.  I just wanted to leave. It's a definite moment in life that you wish you could take back! But no, that would be too easy, and you wouldn't be amused by my misery if I could just take it back. But yea, bringing this back up brings back the gross feeling I had back then SO! moving on. Well, I'm not really sure what else to talk about and since its almost 2am I feel like I should end this! I am going to make a conscience effort to update this more often. I PROMISE! Follow me, so you'll know when I post more stuff! I hope I didn't waste too much of y'alls time! I'm sure atleast one of you guys enjoyed it. I mean, c'mon who doesn't like a little insight of the life of someone else!

Bye Bye for now!



- Matthew Montgomery <3

My stupid heart...

I let my heart get broken like a flimsy twig.
its always back to ground zero,
only for my heart to try and repair.
only if my heart could talk...
it would say "leave me be" for I need to rest.
but my brain is here to overcome the thought..
my heart has no say...
it lays there helplessly hoping to be heard.
......
hoping for that one day, for the heart to stop having to sigh, and to hope this lasts...
for that one day it will last a lifetime. 
My heart and mind want this day to be the day.
but we know, that true love comes with time.
to be satisfied without the time, is nearly a waste of time.
my heart will wait for the moment that will sweep me off my feet.

Never Once in My Life

...
have I seen such a magnificent child.
Hair flowing with the air.
Skin as beautiful as a late noon sunset.
Georgeous eyes that appear of pure greatness.
Such a child deserves more honor than to be
just acknowleged.
Most people don't view the same man I treuly believe
is magnificent from head to toe.
People have no idea that I truely feel this way.
If they knew they would only judge
so its better to just sit and fake.
If the world wasn't such a cruel place
we could be in a happy place.
Since we must sit and fake all of this make no sense.
If I told you about the real me you would
finally see the "REAL" me.
Judge me if you wish for I shall not care.
I know that I love my life,
love my love,
and don't care what the world thinks.
Haters are to hate and feast on the problems
of the world.
Which the good hearted and loving men
of the world love and laugh.

Sit and Wonder....

I sit and Wonder....
Wonder what it would be like
If me and him could be together.
I wonder if he feels it too.
The magnificent man, just sits and gazes,
As I stare in pure amazement.
His minor imperfections don't matter a thing, cause all I care about is his amazing mind.
Is it sad I sit and gaze, without the phrase I wish he say. The 3 words "I love you!" Are all I dare wish he say. Kiss me on my stubborn lips.
Make my heart whole again.
Hold my hand and walk with me as my heart gets fixed again.
Leave me and I'll never live the life I had before. Touch me here, love me there, be in my heart everywhere.

As you have just read this, it is about a person that truely means a lot to me! This one person is all I think about. :)

Matthew (MATEO)

The past couple of days have been rough. All the stuff that's going that most people don't know about is really started to take its toll on me. There are only a few people in my life that actually understand my life. Its a lot of drama and stuff that just keeps me down. Like I said in my last blog the things in my life are these "fake loves". I told myself to not to let them get to me but my FOOLISH brain let's them do it! It happened and then my heart was broken. I got really really sad and started to hate this person! I can't belie that I even thought I could hate them. I have fallen head over heels for one of these fake loves. What is going wrong that makes me do this?? I never know when its real or when its fake. I only wish that I could take things slow. But its almost impossible for me, I wish there was like this implanted reminder to take it slow, because I honestly want to but just simply forget! I just have the WANT that is coming up as a NEED to have love. I have no clue why I want this but its just something that I dream about and want this. I just only hope that I don't get played and became one of those that get broken hearted and torn into a million pieces!

love? or a greedy behavior

Have you ever liked yet again loved someone that you have never really gotten to know? Most would say no. But my life is totally opposite.most people can find love fairly easy. I cannot. The main problem..... I'm much different than every other guy. What I'm trying to say is that my greedy heart is overcoming my brain and leading me to believe love will never find me! then when I finally find some, I feel like I fall in love with them. When actually in fact its only a minor crush. I hate that feeling!!!! I want love to find me and finally make me happy. But that must be something too hard to ask for?? It makes me really cotemplate my plans being here! Am I here just to find a fake love, and never to find one?? I just want to find one and "truely be happy"! I fall so hard for these fake love's that when there over, I practically kill myself over it! I don't undserstand why I'm falling so deeply in love why can't I do it for real! I just want someone to hold and always be there for me! Yea, friends will always be there, but only your true friends. When you have very few "TRUE" friends its hard to have someone to go to! Love is a powerful and captivating experience and I shall only wish to experience it myself. I hope soon and VERY soon, I can experience it.

I love ya guys,
Matthew :)